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Radiology Student Shocked To Learn Ultra Sound Breast Scans Aren't A Legitimate Form Of Pornography: "I knew the scans would be in black and white, but this is ridiculous!"

American Talent Scout Heard Desperation In Sven Larson's Voice And Attributed It To His Need To Relocate To A Latitude Less Than FUCKINGΒ° COLD'

Social Media Prodigy Known For Posting In All Caps And Appending 'FUCKING FAGGOT' To Every Line

Intellectuals Are Too Racist To Make Significant Contributions To Woke Science

Doctor Can't Believe The Coopsters Penetrated Her Fallopian Tubes

Doctor Can't Believe Other Humans Are Conscious And Can Actually Feel Pain

Doctor Can't Believe He Forgot There Is No Such Thing As Death

Woman Relieved To Learn She Doesn't Have Breast Cancer: "I made a promise to myself that if the diagnosis came back negative I'd ignore the fact that my vagina bleeds black viscous blood and that I wince in pain every time I urinate, defecate, and...well, basically just sit."

Jebadiah Coopsters Made His Fortune Filming And Distributing 'Abandoned Mine Pornography': "It's not the mine that runs dry, it's your creativity."

Sheriff Poopsters Died Tragically While Executing An Internal Affairs Arrest Warrant Against His Brother Deputy Coopsters For An Illegal Brothel He Owned, Operated, And Fanatically Tested For Quality Assurance

In The 1920s, The Coopsters Was Loved By All: "So this big titty bitch walks over to ask me a question. All I hear are her milk jugs jostlin' for position, so naturally I go 'brrr' and motorboat her breasts. Then she asks: 'Do you remember fathering my 15 children?'"

Nation's Sluts Hope 'Someone Cute' Rapes Them Tomorrow Evening

The Coopsters' Birth Name Is 'Thug Dirt Awesome': Known For Rolling A Cartoon Of Cigarettes Up His Sleeve, Wearing Anywhere From 0 To 15 Leather Jackets At Any One Time, Constantly Bleeding From Both Eyes (With One Eye Made Of Glass And Containing What Is Believed To Be Another Universe Within), Dipped In So Much Ink That Corpse Limbs Have Been Surgically Attached To Increase Tattable Surface Area -- But With A Real Anchor Welded To His Chest, And More STDs Than Modern Science Has Cataloged

The Coopsters Met North Middlebury Librarian Online And They 'Rolled Around In The Stacks' This Evening Even Though To His Dismay She Looked Nothing Like Her Profile Pic.

In Other News: South Middlebury Librarian Heart Broken To Be Stood Up.

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