"Just need to remotely activate the trigger switch using that oblivious little girl's laptop, then I'll slink away unnoticed and in 15 minutes, I'll be saying 'sianara' city block, child's laptop, and father of little girl in search of said laptop."

Queen Elizabeth Dead At 96 After Succumbing To Multiple Bullet And Knife Wounds Inflicted By Rival Royal Gang

California Warns The Old: "We aren't playing around anymore. You sit in the heat and you suffer. And so help you God, if you touch your fucking air conditioner unit, we'll go so green on your ass, you'll wish you were jogging in the heat."

Transgender Fruit Fly Hopes To Transition To A Female Before Dying In 48 Hours

Transgender Girl With Big Tits Doesn't Realize How Much Money She's Leaving On The Table

Putin 'Pretty Sure' Russia Will Be Enjoying The Holiday Season This Year

Zelensky Shocked American Woke Are Still Supporting Ukraine: "You'd think by now they'd have realized I stole billions of dollars from them?!"

The Coopsters Is Currently On Tour Promoting His Latest Book:

Hairy Palms Epidemiology: The Rise And Fall And Rise And Fall And Rise And Fall, ... Ad Nauseam Of Modern Genital Stroking

Twitter Employees Help Company Increase Revenue By Clicking Ads: "Comon people, more clicks faster. Don't make us the bad guys by forcing us to lie on our advertisers' invoices."

Recent Astronomical Study Reveals The Location Of The Milky Way's 'Milk': "The answer been sitting on our face this whole time."

Latest 'Cookie Cutter' Protest Raises Awareness To The Lack Of Creativity In The 'Going Through A Phase'-Community: "I just feel so bad for these hackneyed, moth-eaten, timeworn, unimaginative cliché kids these days."

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