The Coopsters @thecoopsters@angrytoday.com

Secret Society Unaware Their Messiah Has Arrived To Uphold The Ancient Covenant: "The first dick joke makes one laugh. The second, smile. The third, moan. The forth--'doth my Lord have mental issues?' The fifth, sixth...man knows not what is true anymore. But upon the 1,000th dick joke, a rapture of giggles shall envelop the true believers and whisk them away to the blessed land of joking dicks."

Herstory: The Sexual Exploits Of The Women Who Were Fucked By The Men Who Made History

Man Believes He's Been Wrongly Accused Of Pedophilia: "They grow up real fast when they realize what I'm about to do to them."

Coopsters Gold
Limited Edition Series

The Coopsters Confused By Recent Study: "People say they can smell the testosterone on my breath when my fists are raining down on their face, but then I also support 'fuck da police', 'her body, my choice', and 'monkey poxalypse'."

Agent Iverson Was Familiar With Crypto, But Dickto Was New To Him And The Fact The Coopsters Had Been Dealing Exclusively In This Supposed Currency For Over A Decade Meant The American People Aren't As Stupid As They'd Hoped: "The IRS is struggling to indict Mr. Coopsters on tax fraud--he just keeps pulling dicks out of his sleeve."

Dick Pics Have Moved Beyond A Form Of Intimidation, They Are Now The Norm And Oprah Winfrey Is Here To Help All You Fat Sweaty Dongs Lose A Few Pounds So You Can Enjoy A More Active Dick Lifestyle : "It's never too late to get that ultra cut, veiny look!"

Time Magazine's Director Of Dickpicography Scours Company's Massive Gaping Annals Of Monochromatic Dick Picks For Latest Project Entitled "Dick-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Dick-A-Dee-Ay"

Concertgoer Unsure Why Band Composed Of Face Melting Shredders Feels The Need To Sing

The Artistic Vision And Technical Competence Of The Coopsters' Recently Hired Resident Photographer Isn't The Problem, It's Her Day-To-Day Professionalism That Is Disconcerting: "Comon Katherine, with a little haste please. This dick ain't gonna pic itself."

"So much suffering. So much death. Should I have sought peaceful resolutions? If not and a terrifying death was the only solution, was it necessary to force their wives and children to watch? Did I really need to laugh while they cried? Perhaps in Heaven I'll have the time to consider these questions."

Anne Heche Crashes Hospital Bed Into Children's Cancer Ward: "While tragic, medical science has learned of the existence of a Level 2 coma."

Recruiter Wonders If Candidate Has Any Other Skills Besides Being 'Angry' And Being 'Trans': "Yes, I'm also 'Black'."

Woman Rightfully Assumes The Only Way Out Of This Car Is Through Driver's Pants

Local Jack Of All Trades Actually Named Carl (And The Amount Of Pussy Carl Nails In A Day Averages Around 0)

Contrary To Popular Belief, Smokey The Bear Made His Fortune In Food Services And Only Then, Much Later In Life, Did He Further Increase His Wealth Working For The Mafia

Local Restaurant Unable To Keep Up With Demand

Man Lost At Sea Would Do Anything For A Slice Of Warm Bear Dung

Man Lost In The Woods 'Pretty Sure' It's Safe To Eat Warm Bear Dung

The Chief Of Police Never Condemned Officer Krang And His Partner Officer Body For Betraying The Badge And Choosing A Life Of Crime As He Knows There Are Only So Many Midget-Retard Jokes An Elf And His Sack Of Potatoes Can Take